All Men Are Potential Rapists
The coercion problem and the cycle of rape culture.
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An idea of what rape looks like has been fed to us. Rape is what we see in film; a woman is attacked in an alleyway at night, a home invasion leads to a violent assault, or a victim is held down and forced. It’s depicted as clear cut while rape myths are spread to keep our definition of rape linear.
Overtime, acknowledgement that rape doesn’t always look the same has grown. Women have shared their stories of the man who asked until she said yes, used alcohol to lower her inhibitions then begged for sex, and partners who weaponized their love for sexual gain. Sexual coercion is now rightfully considered sexual assault by many, and with that came a wave of people enraged that the definition has been watered down and “anything is called rape these days.”
Is this true? Is the definition of rape broadening so women around the world can claim victim-hood in a coordinated effort to eradicate men from the face of the earth?
No.
Perpetrators have been getting away with rape for centuries, in part because their actions weren’t considered as such. It is beneficial to the patriarchal system to keep what is or isn’t considered rape linear, simple, and lacking nuance. New definitions of rape aren’t being made up, there is finally some accountability for what has been happening. 1 in 4 women around the world will be raped at some point in their lifetime. This is not a badge of honor. There is no benefit to being a survivor of rape.
We know that 60% of rape is committed by someone known to the victim. We also know that for victims under the age of 18, 93% of them knew their abuser. The depiction of rape we have seen most is not the most common, not even close. We also know about 1 in 16 women in the US report being coerced into sex for their first time. Across various surveys, more than half of women reported sexual coercion in their lifetime.
While it is important to discuss stranger attacks, when we talk about rape that should not be our focus. Rape is far more likely to be an act of manipulation and coercive control by an intimate partner, friend, or family member.
There are multiple theories on the cause of rape and sexual assault. No one theory has been found to completely explain why rape occurs. Early exposure to pornography or violent sexual content, experience with rape or sexual abuse, cognitive distortions, problems with self-regulation and impulse control, and objectification of women and negative views of women have been named as contributing factors to someone becoming a rapist.
Men make up over 80% of arrests for sex crimes everywhere. Across the world, women are experiencing sexual violence, and it will most likely be by a man. Men are far more likely to be raped by other men. There has to be a reason for this.
Looking at the named contributing factors to rape we can see the reason: Patriarchy and rape culture.
Who is most likely to view pornography young because their friends at school told them or the seriousness of the consequences haven’t been taught to them? Young boys.
Who is most likely to never be taught proper emotional regulation? Who will be told crying makes them weak, stoicism is the proper way to handle emotions, and aggression is an acceptable form of communication? Young boys.
Who is least likely to be taught what consent looks like? Who is most vulnerable to the assertion that women are servants to men and nothing more than objects? Young boys.
Who is most likely to be inundated with manosphere content and rape myths, false accusation panic, and misogynistic propaganda? Who is told “if she says no, try harder”? Young boys.
These young boys grow up to become men. Like their fathers or the grown adults around them, they pass what they’ve learned onto other young boys. More young boys grow up already susceptible to becoming violent, and the cycle continues.
This system chugs along because patriarchy is upheld and passed to each new generation of men. The aforementioned false picture of rape is pushed again and again. The system strategically hides coercion from the equation while teaching men that coercion is the extra effort women are looking for. It tells everyone that women’s bodies are objects to be kept for sex, then pretends rape must be caused by some mental illness, when in reality it’s the intended outcome of the system.
Further proving this point, rapists don’t go to jail. You are 3 times more likely to be convicted for beating up the rapist of someone you know than that rapist is if they were arrested for their own crime1. It’s all intentional. We are told the system just needs reform while the cycle’s intended outcome takes place before our eyes. Our sight is redirected to the alleyway assault on television and we’re told to dress modestly at night, all in an effort to keep the cog pumping.
This is rape culture in the form of confusion, distraction, gaslighting, and disinformation. With this being as widespread as it is, it cannot be a shock that too many men know nothing about consent and that rape numbers continue to increase. This problem is not secluded to a single geographical location, this is a worldwide issue. Rape culture and apologia permeates every culture, as does patriarchy. All men grow up in a society that misrepresents rape and takes active measures to remove coercion from the list of punishable offenses.
With this in mind, all men are potential rapists. The phrase “it’s all men until it’s no men” has been repeated ad nauseam and yet the full scale of it’s meaning has still not been realized. This doesn’t mean every man will be a rapist, but they’re all given the tools to commit the crime and get away with it. They’re all encouraged to submit to patriarchy and view women as objects for their pleasure. Parents can put in their best efforts with their young boys, and all it takes is one convincing outside influence to push the cycle forward.
When every man is raised to become a soldier of patriarchy, all men are a potential threat. Every man benefits from the systematic abuse of women and it’s enabling.
Coercive control is normalized and while some men don’t know they’re doing it, many men know what it is, that it works, and that they will likely get away with it.
In a recent (2023) study, nearly 3000 men in the US and Canada participated in a survey about positive and negative sexual interactions with women. The goal of this study was to analyze the methods and manipulations used amongst sexual aggressors when seeking out sex from unwilling women.
The qualifications for this study were simply being a man, being between the ages of 18 and 34, and having had a sexual encounter with a woman in the previous 2 years. The wording used to describe this survey was purposely sanitized to avoid use of the terms rape, sexual assault, force, or coercion.
“The study was described as exploring positive and negative interactions between men and women in sexual situations. The consent form indicated that the survey was men’s opportunity “to provide their side of the story given that we have heard so much from women” about male–female sexual interactions, repeatedly assuring them of their guaranteed anonymity. We wrote “We realize that this survey addresses sensitive information. We realize some people might not like us asking these questions. We want this information to know more about how men operate and how they overcome barriers to get what they want. NOTHING you report will be or can be linked back to you. All responses are anonymous.” We described the survey this way to avoid sensitizing language and in an effort to communicate receptivity to men’s reports of aggression.”
This study is alarming. The major takeaway was that 95.1% of the men reported using at least one strategy to coerce a woman to have sex who they knew did not want to and had not consented. These strategies worked 65% of the time, more than half. This means that these men admitted to raping 1,660 women amongst themselves.
1,660 women and it was only a group of 2,689 men. Not 100,000. Not 1 million. Not 1 billion. These are terrible odds.
What is equally alarming is that these men reported no negative outcomes from their actions at 70%. The negative outcomes perceived most often were social issues like loss of friendships or hurt feelings and personal issues like sense of guilt or regret. Only 1 man indicated that the negative outcome was someone intervening to stop him, and only 3 men said they faced rape accusations or charges.
For a summation of the numbers:
2,689 men.
1,660 victims.
1 person intervened.
3 men faced accusations or charges.
0 men submitted this survey from jail.
The survey provided listed a number (36) of coercive strategies for the men to report their use or non-use of.
The most commonly used were:
Told her whatever she wanted to hear. 40.6% used numerous times.
Asked her repeatedly to have sex. 36.6% used numerous times.
Had a friend, partner, or group of friends help you get what you want. 34.4% used numerous times.
Kept touching and kissing her. 33.6% used numerous times.
The least commonly used were:
Threatened to hurt her. 2.6% used numerous times.
Used something (even a weapon) to frighten her. 2.8% used numerous times.
Threatened to hurt yourself. 3.9% used numerous times.
Let her know you would embarrass or shame her in some way if she did not. 4.6% used numerous times.
This accurately reflects the information on what methods of rape are being used determined by other statistics. The more outwardly violent and threatening strategies were the least commonly used. Manipulation and coercive tactics that were not outwardly threatening were the most common. Amongst the least common were using GHB or roofies, taking advantage of their victim being asleep, and physically overpowering their victim.
There are a multitude of strategies listed that deserve their own analysis. These men reported getting women drunk or high, questioning their victim’s sexuality, having a female friend around to make them feel safe, and separating them from a group so they’d be under his control.
What women are told to do to reduce the risk of sexual assault is only applicable to a small number of offenses. Traveling in a group, avoiding drinking, and dressing modestly is not going to protect them from the men they trust or from coercive tactics.
It is much easier to offer platitudes about a small number of offenses then it is to address the root cause of the problem. It is easier to place the blame on victims in the end than dismantling the overarching structure causing the problem. It is easier to keep perpetrators out of jail, so the intentional cycle of rape culture can continue.
Lack of proper sexual education, intentional muddying of the reality of rape, a society built on the objectification and sexualization of women, sexual gratification positioned as a right for men, assertion of gender roles, and the normalization of violence and porn consumption in young boys create a world that is dependent on rape as a method of patriarchal oppression and control.
There can’t be an escape from it unless there is an intentional choice to recognize it and fight against it. All men are raised within the structure of patriarchy and pick up misogynistic biases. Men being misogynistic is the default, therein lies the potential for it to escalate to the more brutal forms of misogyny, like rape. An active choice of deconstruction must be made to minimize the potential for harm.
The current view of rape lacks nuance and the reality of women’s lived experiences. To accept it is to enable rapists to rape with impunity. To insist upon it is to continue the cycle of rape culture.
There is a coercion problem. There is a rape apologia problem.
All men are handed the gun, there is potential for any one of them to fire.
This is found using conviction records for aggravated assault and assault & battery in comparison to the conviction rates for rape and other sex crimes.
Someone told me that evil people don't have to be Epsteins or Netanyahus or Hitlers, they can be quite normal-looking and otherwise inconspicuous. In fact, believing otherwise just helps evil people stay evil. It also generally prevents people from improving themselves and realizing that there are better ways to live.
The framing "potential" is what the debate always gets hung up on, but that's exactly the point. Every woman carries threat assessment as a background process. Not because every man is dangerous, but because we have no way to know which one is. The mental load of that constant vigilance is something women rarely name out loud because naming it sounds like accusation. But it is data. It always was.