feminist yap sessions 005: i should've kept my mouth shut
on why i refuse to share my stories publicly
TW: rape, sexual assault
What makes me sad is this— when I think about my past experiences with sexual impropriety, sexual assault, or rape the first thing that runs through my head is that I should've kept my mouth shut. I have never reported anything to authorities, but in each instance (3) I did disclose to friends or try to speak about my experience publicly. Each time I was left with one thought: I should've kept my mouth shut.
This is the dilemma in advocating for victims of sexual violence. I tell women that we should speak up, report, or talk about our experiences while I have allowed my own to shut me down. I have been victim-blamed, denigrated and lied about because of my disclosures. To this day the rumor mill is pumping. It does not matter if it was rape or an uncomfortable encounter, it came down to one thing: I must be lying.
I, like all other women who speak up, must be a liar. I must be a slut. I must have wanted to cheat in my marriage and got scared. I never said no loud enough. I didn't scratch, punch, or kick hard enough. He was my boyfriend so I must just be scorned. I should've told the police. I just want to ruin a man's life. I’ve heard it all. I’ve heard it all and I have listened.
When women tell me their experiences, I no longer tell them they should go public. I will support every woman that does, but I have learned that a few close people who believe you are practically all we can ask for in our current climate. It feels pessimistic and I disgust myself when I say it, but the evidence does not lie. We need widespread systemic and social change when it comes to rape myths and victim advocacy. Until I see that, I can't tell women to go public in good conscience. I will continue fighting for that change, so that some day I can do as such, even if it's too late for me.
I will never disclose or speak publicly about my own experiences again. That may make me a bad feminist and I’m okay with that. My first fight with a smear campaign I was 17, I’m now 27 and I just don't have it in me. I can try to prove my truth, but there will always be people who don't believe me. I’ll continue to be the flirtatious whore in someone’s story and the bitter ex girlfriend in other's.
I will never disclose again, because it has been beaten into me that I should’ve kept my mouth shut.
I know so many others have had the same thought. I know so many victims have had this same experience. I can’t imagine how many have never told anyone. I hate that I am propelling forward the idea that coming forward is not worth it. I do believe it’s worth it on a small scale. I’m happy that I didn’t keep my mouth shut to those I care about most. Even telling one person is enough to lift that burden. I can’t claim and be truthful that it was worth it for me on a large scale, and for that I am sorry.
